Day 64: Worry Wart

It's been nice to be up and around today, without any movement restrictions.  I've managed to get a lot done, especially in comparison to the minimum amount of things I got done while on bed rest. Even with the distractions of cleaning the kitchen, attending playgroup with B, and grocery shopping for a few essentials, I am still worried about Baby Boy. I think moms start worrying about their children as soon as they find out they're pregnant, and don't stop worrying about them even when they're grown adults, of any age.  Although I am at the 36 week mark, I am still worried and will probably still worry until this baby is here, safe and healthy. 

I am dilated to a one and 70% effaced, and that could mean labor will occur sooner rather than later, but then again, who knows?  The real issue is that my doctor discussed more of my risk factors with me yesterday, and I can't stop thinking about them.  These risk factors could mean nothing, or they could mean serious complications for Baby Boy.  Whatever be the case, this pregnancy is even more of risk than we originally thought.  I thought being taken off of bed rest would leave me feeling less stressed, but I'm just as stressed now as I was when I went into labor nine weeks ago, but for different reasons.  In some ways, I just want him to get here so we can make sure he's fine, but in other ways, I know the longer he stays in utero, the better.  I just have to stop worrying about all the POSSIBLE risks and just keep plugging along.

My amniotic fluid levels are a tiny bit on the high end, so I have very mild polyhydramnios. I have 20.5 centimeters of fluid, which is only a  1/2  centimeter above the norm, so doctors aren't too worried at this point.  But if it the levels get higher in the next few weeks, it could be indicative of a huge problem for baby such as esophageal issues where the baby isn't swallowing correctly, heart and neurological defects, and fetal abnormalities.  There is also a higher risk of placental abruption or prolapse during birth, as well as postpartum hemorrhaging.  Thankfully, I don't really have any of the risk factors associated with high water (a tummy measuring weeks ahead, a baby measuring much larger than normal, third trimester bleeding, severe abdominal pain, and swelling of the limbs).  The milder the case of polhydramnios, the better, so I have that going for me, as fluid levels are only slightly higher than normal.  I am further cheered by the fact that ultrasounds haven't shown anything wrong with the baby and from the looks of the ultrasound yesterday, it look like his kidneys, heart, and bladder are functioning properly.  More often than not, higher fluid levels do not lead to any complications, so I'm pretty sure these results are just causing me unnecessary worry, but it's still unnerving.   

The doctor also wants me to measure Baby Boy's movements every night to make sure Baby is still active and not in possible distress.  Today and yesterday he's been moving just fine, but this weekend, it seemed like movement decreased significantly. Doctors explained that's likely because he's even more cramped than most babies because of my uterine abnormality and doesn't have a lot of room to move.  Higher fluid levels can make movements harder to detect, as can the fact that he's facing my back and is very low in my pelvis.  So I'll be vigilant about "kick counts" and I'm sure if I'm watching closely, I'll notice them more than I did this weekend, just as I have in the past two days.  I was glad to have the ultrasound yesterday to make sure everything  Baby was moving and growing OK, and I pray that everything continues to be that way.

I also tested positive for Group B Strep (25% of women are natural carriers without even knowing it).  This means that I will need antibiotics during labor to keep the baby from contracting it when coming through the birth canal.  For babies, Strep B can be extremely dangerous and even fatal.  I'm sure that with the antibiotics, the baby  will be fine.  That just means I need to get to the hospital with enough time for them to administer the antibiotics.  Sometimes women who have a history of pre-term labor progress very quickly once actual labor ensues, so the doctor wants me to arrive when I'm having contractions about 7 minutes apart and lasting 40 seconds or more, rather than the 4-5 minutes apart they tell most women.  That way, they will have enough time to administer the anti-strep medication and the epidural I'm looking forward to.  If my water breaks, I have to go in as soon as possible so there aren't any complications caused to the baby because of the strep.  I'm assuming I'll know when I am in actual labor (though I don't know when that will be) and be able to get to the hospital and get the antibiotics in time, but it's another issue that causes me worry. 

There are most likely no problems with Baby Boy's development and even with the risk factors, everything should turn out fine for the remainder of my pregnancy, during labor and delivery, and after birth.  I am trying to stay optimistic and not look at research on the above issues that just freaks me out.  I'm also trying to remember that I am in the hands of capable doctors who are just preparing me for the worst, as most likely, none of these things will cause any harm to the baby - I've decided sometimes being less educated about issues like this, is better and leads to less worry.  Even with the likelihood of a good outcome, prayers that everything goes well with the remainder of this pregnancy (how ever long that will be) and that Baby Boy will be born healthy are appreciated.  And maybe saying a prayer for me not to worry so much would help too.

Day 45: When It Rains . ..

It is true what people say: "When it rains it pours."  Besides bed rest, annoying colds, not sleeping well, and waiting to hear whether or not J has a job lined up, our only car just got backed into, nearly totaling it. Now we have to deal with insurance, figure out the extent of the damage (we know some of it was already there), and get it fixed. I hope it all gets fixed and paid for.  Who knew bed rest could be this stressful? At least we're all hanging in there and I'm still pregnant!  Almost 34 weeks. . . yea!

 

Damage is not really noticeable in the picture, but front bumper and hood is pretty smashed.

Day 40: What a Relief!

One of the things doctors keep telling me because I've been experiencing preterm labor is to avoid stress which can trigger early contractions.  However, avoiding stress is easier said than done, even while I've been on bed rest.  I lay here and stress about a variety of things, including the baby and pains that could be labor-causing (lately I've been experiencing round ligament pain, which can be pretty debilitating).  I stress about the well-being of our five year old son and not overburdening my husband and mother-in-law who have been taking on my slack.  I  worry about how we're going to get our next meal on the table when I'm down and out, and so much more.  Another HUGE stress that's been looming over us is J's state boards.  I didn't realize how stressed I was about his exam until I heard the results today, and what a relief I felt.  I am happy to report that he did it! J passed his state nursing boards with flying colors and now is a RN! We are so proud!  No more purple student scrubs and no more stressing out about this test!

Day 38: Testing, Testing, 1, 2, 3

Last Wednesday I posted about stability, and now a week later, I'm posting about uncertainty. It's funny how often we vacillate between these two in our lives, but testing is what life is all about. We're trying to be positive, but waiting for J's nursing board results after he takes his test today is nerve-wracking. We won't know whether or not he passed until Saturday at the earliest. Add that on to the complications I've had in this pregnancy and laying on bed rest when I have all the time in the world to think about a million worst case scenarios for me and Baby, I'm a mess today. I'm also worried about B's emotional health. He's been acting out (throwing things and hitting) and saying things (like "I don't like you" or "No, I won't do it, EVER.") that he never said or did a few weeks ago, all because he's frustrated by the loss of control and routine that bed rest has caused. We calm him down and it lasts a day or two, but then he has another even bigger meltdown the next time. I hate how difficult this is for B and how stressed J has been because of his test and his increased responsibility. Right now we're a little nervous with all the uncertainty that life has thrown at us, but we'll continue to do our best and proceed with faith and prayer as we have always done. We honestly thank you for all the prayers said in our behalf. We know prayers are answered.

In other news, B and I will be returning home today after nearly two weeks at my in-laws so that J could work and study without interruptions. It's been nice for me to have a change of scenery and for J not to have to worry about taking care of me and B while he's been making plans for his exam and career (though he did come over and visit frequently). I appreciate all the help my mother-in-law has given us. She's been wonderful the last few weeks making meals, taking care of B, doing laundry and housework for us, and providing other much-needed help. As nice as it's been here, I am glad to be going home and to be under the same roof as a family again. We need it so we can weather these difficult times. We're hanging in there and once again, we appreciate all the prayers and encouragement. We'll let you know as soon as we know anything regarding J's test.

Playing his great grandma's auto harp (I'm so glad he found something to do that calmed him and made him happy).

Day 33: Diary of the Contracting Woman

 

Here is a list of all my contractions in the last 24 hours.  They've been getting more regular the last few days, and although most were caused by uterine irritability, but some, especially those I had around noon, were very real, painful, and frequent.  But thankfully, I was able to weather through them and Baby Boy and I are still hanging in there, though I am one very uncomfortable pregnant woman.  The discomfort is worth it, and I remember I was able to get through it with B, but that doesn't make it any easier to endure.  If the constant contractions are starting this early, the next few weeks are going to be even longer and more difficult than the last, so I'm praying for comfort, strength, and endurance, for the sake of Baby Boy.

Honestly, these last couple of weeks with J's injuries, preparations for his test and career, and bed rest have been a lot to process.  I'm thankful that the first 24 weeks of this pregnancy were uneventful.  When I began experiencing issues at 25 weeks, it was scary because we were nervous about an extremely premature baby who might not make it.  At 28 weeks we breathed a small sigh of relief after getting shots for Baby Boy's lungs.  He won't be a micro preemie.  At 31 we feel like he's awesome little safer, but he still has a long way to go.  Despite our continued prayers for a full term baby, I can only take this pregnancy one day at a time.  Today is better for him than yesterday; tonight is better than this morning.

On Tuesday I have another ultrasound to check on Baby Boy's growth at 32 weeks.  I'm always concerned about his weight since B. was and is still so little, and my belly is so tiny (though part of that is because Baby is so low).  Hopefully there is a 3 1/2 pound baby hanging out in there somewhere!  32 weeks doesn't feel quite safe, but it feels safer than 28 or even 30.

We know that God has His hand on this pregnancy, J's career goals, and every other aspect of our lives.  There is no other explanation for how this baby is still in utero.  Thank you for joining us in our prayers for my comfort, J to pass his test, B to be emotionally stable, and more time so we can have a healthy baby boy.  We truly appreciate it!

I managed a smile between contractions.  A warm water bottle on my abdomen and the distraction of the tablet computer helped me to endure them.

Day 32: A Pick-Me-Up

My sister-in-law, who is well acquainted with bed rest and uterine abnormalities sent me a great email this morning.  As I said, she knows firsthand the rollercoaster that is bed rest (though I realize I don't have it nearly as bad . . .she was also sick the whole time) and said "Every day of being stuck and not moving is torture. So,here is something to cheer you up." Last night was really rough because B had another melt-down that stressed all of us out (and J doesn't need extra stress while he's studying for his state boards which he takes next Thursday).  It's hard to balance cutting B some slack and not giving in to everything he wants just because his life has been turned upside down by all of this.  I think we've all felt a loss of control with the change in our routine, so we'll continue to adjust and plan so each day is better and things go more smoothly for him.  B also woke up with nightmares thinking I'd left him, so I was up twice consoling him.  I have also experienced several contractions today and have been worried an uncomfortable.  After that, I needed a  pick me up this morning and this link was it.  So thanks, S and others woo have provided entertainment , encouragement, and support every day.  Here's a taste of what you'll see.  Hopefully it will bring a smile to your face like it did to mine.

 

Day 24: A Change in Schedule

Like I said yesterday, we're trying to find a normal for life on bed rest, so even though I can't leave the house or perform household duties, I am trying to provide J and B with the support they need to get through this.  Of course they're giving me the help I need too, and by lowering my stress level, I have fewer contractions.  I love when B gets home from school and talks to me and I like spending time with J too.  They make my bed rest days go better. 

To provide them with support, I have added a few things to my bed rest schedule.  I added online grocery shopping and meal planning so J doesn't have to worry about those things and can focus more on what he needs to do to accomplish his career goals.  In addition to our reading time, I've added a game or play time with B.  After some melt-downs and a rough morning today with lots of anger and tears (I put syrup on his French toast), I've come to the conclusion that he needs more attention from me.  He gets a lot of attention from J and Grandma these days, but he needs to feel my love and involvement in his life.  We know he's just reacting to his circumstances, so I'm trying to step up his support system and give him a better outlet for his frustration.  Hopefully doing these things will help all of my boys (including Baby) while I'm on bed rest.

Day 23: Family Stress

I knew bed rest would take its toll on me, but I didn't, however, anticipate how life-changing this experience would be for my son and husband.  Bed rest is stressful for me because I'm worried about the baby 24/7, I can't give B the normalcy he needs while laying down, and I can't carry out my usual duties that help our house run and take pressure off of J.  I also don't like depending on J (and others) for all my needs and feel extremely demanding.  It's been hard for me to let go of some things, but I'm managing to live with messes like the ones below.  It's difficult to find a good balance right now while I'm down and out and because J is taking on so much, he is super stressed, and I know B is feeling a bit traumatized by all this too.  I hate how much my being laid up has disrupted their lives. 

 

Like I mentioned the other day, J is preparing to take his state boards but even with others' help, because he's been taking care of me and B, cooking meals at my demand, and doing chores, he hasn't been able to study much.  That's something he needs to do so he can pass his test and start working.  I can't help but feel that my being on bed rest a hindrance to his progress because he worries so much about me and is trying to be at my beckon call.  He's even mentioned that it was easier for him not to worry about my needs when I was in the hospital.   The stress while I'm on bed rest has caused  some tension, but I have to remember we're all just doing our best, and we have to cut each other some slack.  I know J is going out of his way to serve me, so all I can do is show my appreciation in return and help how I can.  Speaking of serving, if anyone has any SUPER easy meal ideas so he doesn't feel so burdened, that would be great.  I have some crock pot and casserole recipes he can throw together, but it's still stressful for him to do much meal prep when he's trying to study, work, and take care of his family.   

B has also been feeling the stress.  The poor kid has had MAJOR meltdowns the last two nights and even cried himself to sleep.  I can't help but feel he's traumatized and that it's my fault because I can't parent and function normally while on bed rest.  Adjusting to me being on bed rest has been difficult on all  of us, and I pray that we can find the balance we need to survive this AND get Baby here safely in as many weeks as possible. I'm just thankful that each day gives us a fresh start.  I'm also thankful for prayer which I know can get our entire family (including Baby Boy) through this difficult time.  This afternoon was much better, as I had dinner planned, B and I did our reading time, and we started taking down the Christmas decor (It's about time, I know).  Hopefully this trend continues and we can find a "normal" for life on bed rest.

Day 19: An Awesome Husband

Being on bed rest is difficult for me, and I know B's had to make a lot of adjustments because Mommy has to lay down all day, but it's also taking its toll on J.  He is taking on all my responsibilities, caring for B, getting meals on the table (or tray, in my case), all while carrying his normal work load.  He even does dishes, which is something he abhors.  He's also taken me to and from the hospital, makes my bed every morning, positions my pillows and makes sure I'm set up for the day before he leaves so I can stay in bed.  J also helps me comply with bed rest, though I don't always like hearing that I'm laying wrong, messing up things he just did, or pushing my limits by lifting things, sitting up too much, or "just getting one thing."  He is trying to help me be comfortable, to help me complain a little less (the way I lay dictates whether my back or neck hurt), and ultimately, to help me get Baby Boy here safely and healthily.  All I have to do is lay here while he takes on all the stress.  Plus, he's still healing from his snowboarding accident (I know he's pushing himself to the limits as far as his own comfort and health go in order to help me), and he has his state boards to study for as well.  I have it easy compared to that, so I appreciate my husband who is giving it his all and being patient with me, even though this whole bed rest thing is hard for him too.

 

Contractions get worse for me at night, and I don't want to get used to taking sleeping pills, so I kept J up last night with my inability to get comfortable, so he was tired today, especially after taking B snowboarding yesterday.  But he still got up to help me and B.  He also trudged through four inches of snow and took B to the grocery store to tackle my list, and he even used the coupons I pulled out for him (while on bed rest I've given up couponing for the most part, but still try to use the ones I have).  J is NOT a shopper, so I appreciate that he did that for me. Grocery delivery might still be in our future, though.

 

J did get in a much needed nap while I hung out and read with B.  J went to work and my mother-in-law took his place.  We've had a nice evening of movies, stories, and games.  As busy as I kept today, there were times I forgot I'm laid up, and it's nice to have distractions.  Honestly, bed rest isn't ALL bad, and I know I'm helping out Baby Boy, so I can't complain (well too much anyway).

 

By the way, J already gags at the fact that I'm blogging about bed rest, but I like using it as a journal and chronicling this time in my life, and it's also somewhat therapeutic.  He'd really gag at this post, but I don't care.  I want people to know he's being great through all this.