Day 11: A Blow to the Ego- Still Progressing

After being cooped up in the house for almost two weeks and only getting out of bed to use the bathroom for the last four days, I was ready for an outing.  You know you're hard up when a doctor's appointment is the highlight of your day!  But because I have trouble sleeping at night after resting all day, I ignored the alarm this morning.  Of course today was also the day B slept in because of his cold, and J, who has been working a stretch of nights, didn't wake up either.  So we all woke up at 9, the same time as my appointment, but we rushed to the OB office anyway.  Somehow I spilled  my water all over J on the way there, so I came in flustered and J came in agitated and wet.  Thankfully, the doctor still managed to get me in for my appointment even though we were over a half hour late. 

I was very disappointed to hear from the ultrasound tech that my cervix has shortened eight more millimeters since Monday, even with bed rest.  I've felt occasional contractions the last few weeks, and have noticed them more while laying down all day, but I was hoping they wouldn't cause cervical change now that I'm totally inactive.  Unfortunately, they have.  I couldn't help but feel like my bed-resting efforts over the last 96 hours were in vain, though J reminded me that it could be worse if I wasn't being diligent about bed rest.  He's right, but it was still an emotional blow that caused tears throughout the day and made me even more worried about the possibility of an extremely premature baby, and I was super stressed and basically an emotional wreck.  J has a hard time dealing with crying and doesn't really know how to help me, but he's being as supportive as possible, especially since he's still not feeling so great with his broken bones and taking on all my responsibilities.  I tried to hold it in, but I still got weepy several times and if J didn't notice, B would say, "Dad, Mom's crying again." It was just an emotional blow to hear that bed rest hasn't kept preterm labor from progressing and I was upset that I'm not a better baby carrier.

The baby's head has also dropped further into my pelvis (ready for delivery) so he's putting more pressure on my cervix and making my uterus measure 25 weeks rather than 28, which also has me worried.  In fact, his head is so far down, the ultrasound tech couldn't even get a face or profile shot like I was hoping for.  Baby Boy is only 2 pounds,10 ounces so WAY too small to be born, and he still has A LOT of developing to do.  Thankfully my cervix is still closed (not dilated) so my doctor said I could continue bed rest at home as long as I comply to strict bed rest.  J has been quite the "bed rest enforcer" ("Lay down, let me get it.  Quit lifting thing!  You're laying crooked.").  B also tattles when I get up, even if I'm going to the bathroom.  J keeps reminding me that bed rest is for the best and I'm lucky to be doing it at home where I can be with my family (and see B for more than 45 minutes a day), have resources (DVDs, games, computer, books, etc.), and be able to wear my own pajamas, shower, and use the bathroom rather than a bed-pan at the hospital.  He's right; I am lucky, even though bed rest is not easy nor ideal.  So enough of the pity-party; I can do this for Baby Boy!

 

I have another appointment in a week and if I'm at all dilated or if my cervix measures less than a centimeter (which is not too far off), they'll admit me to the hospital until labor can no longer be stopped with medication and other measures.   I'm praying that doesn't happen so I can stay at home on bed rest.  Doctors are hoping for 34 weeks, but realistically think he'll come at 32.  I'm hoping and praying for 36 even if that means more bed rest. My condition is nerve-wracking, but delivery isn't imminent yet and my body held out before even when dilated, so it can hold out again.

 

I just have to have a good attitude and take it one day at a time and remember each day Baby Boy stays in the womb is a victory.  I know I can't dictate everything as far as when this baby actually arrives, but I can do my part by remaining as still as possible and keeping weight off my cervix and keeping contractions at bay.  I am trying to count my blessings and find joy in the simple things (like snuggling with B while we work on reading, a daily shower or bath, and being waited on). 

 

I have decided to find moments each day that get me through.  Today's highlights were seeing B conduct the music he was listening to (the Piano Guys) with Legos, playing the Headbanz game and laughing with B, and that J tried numerous times to make me feel better even though I'm sure he is exasperated with his hormonal and weepy wife.  My gratitude moment was that my mother-in-law came over to help with B while J is at work, and  she did some housework and brought dinner.

 

When it comes down to it, there is hope (even if I'm scared about the possibility of a pre-mature baby).  There are numerous success stories about mothers with the similar prenatal issues as mine having babies that make it almost or to- term with bed rest.  I know that prayers are answered and that my faith can get me through.  Even though it's hard, Baby Boy is so worth this and I have to remember I'm doing this for him!